A Horror in a Daughter’s Eye

 

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Finally, I am able to post this today. What did they say about freedom? When you are able to speak about something without any restraint, and that for me is finally living a life of no baggage. Whoa! I never knew freedom tastes this sweet. “A soft reminder: not everything that weighs you down is yours to carry.” Have a sweet life, sweet friends!

Friday night, July 15, 2016. 

Fear almost paralyzed me.

It has been said that courage is not the absence of fear, it is the mastery of it. I hear this almost entirely had me whisper to my own ears at times of horror.

Once more, this post is very personal and I won’t hide a single thing that took place. I am not ashamed and I speak not sheepish but sprung rather the pureness from my pen’s heart.

Everyone has a story but not everybody has the courage to say. Everyone has gone through something that is worth telling. Everyone has this.

I believe that there is always hope behind a story, and after each story is a choice. A choice for you to claim being the victim or for you to stand up as a victor.

Yet all stories do not end happily as you wish or may not end sadly as you want to keep away from. But sometimes, they do not promise a perfect finish. And they either break or build you. Whichever… all stories have its dangers and a safe haven of its own.

As I was about to share this, I struggled. First and foremost, I am not proud of my father’s iniquity. I still am. I will never be. Who would? Nobody ever likes to share a secret sorrow not like that of showing feats. Second, I’m clearly clueless of what I am writing. All I know at this moment is to share my heart out.

Assuredly, this happening was never planned as I have posted the past years about how I hailed my father a greeting. As most of you perceived, I never said he is a great man or a man of honor, rather a “worst” and unique daddy whom one strong daughter has become, and I will never get tired of thanking him for that.

A “worst” dad who brings most of the time pain and suffering. It is somewhat sidesplitting as he contradicts the description of a normal father should be doing. A usual father carries peace not tears. But hey… I was reminded once more that my father is not typical, he is exceptional.

So, on that Friday night, my mom sent a message that scared the life out of me. Her every word felt like a thorn that deeply prickled me, and all the more, like a sharp-edged knife that’s slowly cutting me. As quickly as I desired to respond my mom and to research the whole thing, to verify the truth and what was happening, I searched the internet with trembling hands. Man! It frightened me more! How scared as rat I have become! Awful. Horrible. Nasty. Regretful.

Shot dead bodies of drug lords.

Bloodshed on streets.

Deaths.

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EMBRACING MY OWN STORY: FROM A CORPORATE WORLD TO A COMMUNITY LIFE

 

16487811_1646525562029958_8981772214995353210_oI’ve seen it. Most people strikingly dream out of their own in pursuit of a most rewarding passion, stepping into a gigantic leap, and risks they even take. They magically stick to chase after a career and make their own name to be known for wisdom, of impulse and of triumph. That was distinctive, and I applaud these players displayed varying marks of competence. Yet, feel sure of the truth that living in a world as competitive as anyone else, comparison becomes a lush.

When I quit my corporate job in 2018, I honestly didn’t have any financial fallback, a new career per se. It might seem obvious, it was unwise. By how much exertion I pulled over the rope for years to reach my managerial position abroad, I ripped off in seconds. Again, it was unwise. It was in fact the most foolish choice I made, “they say.

At the crossroad of thinking whether I should return abroad if finances are not going well, I always contemplate to pray deeply and let God remind me why I was told by Him to stay home. And what I knew to be true, I am continually reminded why I am home.

It’s been almost a year now since that unreasonable choice. What should I say now? Where am I? Am I happy? Honestly, it was never easy. It never is. Again, asking myself, what do I want to journey forward in every area of my life, this year and over the next few years?

As I see the mystery, it made me realize that achieving milestones in life whether that’s in career, or relationships, all take time and intention. There is a varied depth of appreciation we can take hold of every struggle and victory.

Yet again, am I happy?

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My Dubye: Going Away from Home is Hard, Going Back Home is Even Harder

I just turned 21 years old back then when I, in some way or another, had me winged by desire to live abroad and triumph over the corporate world. I was young thus what makes this woman shoved aside the comfort of home was a fledgling ambition. That was, what I thought it was.

As to cast one’s mind back in 2014, I believe that was the best choice I possibly ended and was a splendid blessing for when I run away and dash another journey, I never knew what was ahead yet I still had faith to grow in different and surprising ways. Still, over my great expectations, I bumped more into challenges and tasted the bittersweet desert city.

I withstood the test of time over sorrows and unsettled thoughts of home, endured the pain of life’s burns and disquiets at work, remained in existence despite the unbearable heat, and survived the sore of being forcedly driven out from your flat. Suchlike, I know not how to sort things up but as they say the trouble with being in a rat race is that even if you win or lose, you’re still a rat. By those moments of cries and victories, you still stand like nothing’s ever happening. But why and why not, life’s like that.

I got bruises, I got blessings, all at once. Now I have this certain choice to become bitter or better as I move away from this city. Rib tickling though, fear is smacking me off my feet. I am going back home.

Strange. I am being prompted by fear by just a thought of home.

HOME.

I am returning from where I started with bundle of nerves. Yes, I’m faint-hearted to start from where I started. Words fell flat and it’s difficult to express than keep it that I, in certain ways, have this fear of forgetting what I have become and being someone I used to be. Wrapping one’s mind, I have gotten used to doing things a specific way – different to how I had done them before leaving home.

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Dear Me: Free Yourself from Something Else

As you speak your mind, seek rather like speaking kind. When you fail anybody else, seems like you failed yourself. Don’t hear the gentle voice of lie inside you. Don’t.

They say you cannot beat the demons by beating up on yourself. They say demons die by love. They say fall more in love with something else and your demons die like nothing else. Listen.

You know better than anyone that you are not making yourself a favor when you are becoming your own worst critic. Your soul’s becoming disquiet accepting as true the lies of insecurity but had it best not to. It gets you nowhere. It is.

This life is a tricky road of trial. But no matter how hard the wind blows, be of tranquil. No matter how loud the raging sea roars, be serene. How harmonious you talk to your own heart in the midst of this storm is how you will talk to each one.

Wound no one whilst you are wounded.

Light the candles and let the candles sparkle.

This life is meant to be difficult. But you were never meant to carry the cross beyond your force.

This life is a blazing furnace of fire. At any cost, pick up the fire. By no means escape it.

See that in that suffering, you get freedom – freedom from relying not on your own. Because with Jesus’ all power, you get upheld all together. You’ve been blown down and getting backed up. Even if, don’t exalt yourself. Exalt Christ.

Admire happiness. Depend not on what happens to you but what happens in you.

May you feel rich in soul and be blessed beyond words.

Let you cheer with every individual who have inspired and eternally marked you. When all is said, they are your truthful wealth.

At last, be faithfully humble in Christ. Love Him with all your soul and get hold of His unending wisdom to live without limit, fearless to embrace difficulties, empowered to empower and further than motivated to motivate.

Be a woman of likable beauty through His infinite beauty.

Be wise in His eyes. The choice you’ll make is where you’ll be.

Increase from what makes you decrease. Go to where ever you’re sent. Respond to what you’re called to.

Adore life more so fall in love with it as you breathe. Live your own truth, come out of hiding, of escaping , of comparing.

Because…

This life is no longer just about you but now living the life of His own truth.

Yours with His love,

-D